I haven't posted in ages. I have this "life is short, enjoy it" attitude. So many people in my life just drop dead, die. So it seemed to me for a long time that I'd better just enjoy life, i.e. sundaes, rich foods, overeating- because I never knew when I'd get hit by a bus, die of cancer unexpectantly (which happened to my brother), or just have a freakin' pulmonary embolism.

But now I can't even tie my shoes, so life is no fun, even with the sundaes.

If my entire body jiggles when I run, even my back, then life is no fun. If I can't tie my shoes and have to wear slip-on shoes only because of my gut, then life is no fun. If I live in fear that I'll get an opportunity to travel somewhere awesome on an airplane because I fear the tight seats and the mad seat-neighbors, then life is no fun.

So, I've rejoined Weight Watchers for probably the fifth time ever. This time, my now-retired mom has joined w/ me and my hubby is doing it online at the same time. Now neither of us will have the other to tempt us to eat at unhealthy restaurants. So that's one help.

I got a new ticker from tickerfactory.com. This time WW doesn't set an ultimate weight goal. They only set small goal steps. My first step is to lose 10% of my body weight. So that's the ticker I set up-




Here I go again.

I quit WW a while ago. I quit WW cuz I wasn't losing. I wasn't losing cuz I wasn't doing the program. I was trying to eat light but I wasn't counting points at all. It's just not something I want to do. It's hard when you go out for a light Indian lunch and there is no way to know the cals/fat/fiber of dry chicken tikka, dry indian rice, no sauce, 1, or maybe two, tbsps of curry sauce. I'm not bringing measuring spoons to the restaurant. Onion chutney? I despise figuring cals/fat/fiber from a box of something that you then have to add butter or margarine too, and then add it all up, then divide by servings, then put a bowl on the scale and try to figure if you ate one, two, or 1.5 servings. I hate it! I won't do it. So I stopped going.

And now I'm gaining. At WW I wasn't losing but I wasn't gaining.

One major thing is that I haven't been working out. It's Florida summer heat now and heat makes me sick to my stomach and gives me a headache that nothing will take away.

BUT-

Curves opened up on Monday! I went in and got some info, and then today I went and signed up. I'm psyched cuz it's SO close by and it's a quick workout I can do in AIR CONDITIONING.

One thing is I have to change my sleep/wake cycle. I'm a night owl, and even my counselor said not to feel guilty about being a night owl, and not to feel 'abnormal'. But my sleep patterns lately haven't even been 'normal' for me. I used to stay up until about 1am on weeknights, but now I stay up 'till like 3. And then I'm sleeping half the day away. This has got to stop. Last night even w/ a sleeping pill that I took at 3am, I went to bed at 3:30 and laid awake until 4:30!

I want to get up earlier, so I can get more done during the day.

Anyway, I'm psyched about Curves.

Even if I don't lose tons, I want to be healthier and at least lose a little.

The last few days my appetite has been real minimal, and supposedly that's expected w/ the anti-depressants I'm now on, and the fact that the doc had doubled the dosage recently.

It's wonderful not to have insanely intense cravings. It's wonderful to just not be hungry at dinnertime and make just a small plate that satisfies.

We had to go to a "bored meeting" tonight (for the neighborhood we live in) and it was SO stressful. As soon as we left, I said "take me to Dairy Queen!" and we went and had sundaes. Bad. I know, BAD. It was nice to sit and relax and enjoy the cold, flavorful treat and go over the aspects of the meeting that upset us. But I just should have NOT gone there. I shoulda come home where I have certain treats in the house: the ones that I don't overeat because they are either too heavy/strong or just are not my favorites. That trick has been working great for WEEKS. Certain cookies are great for that, I can eat a couple and be satisfied AND have no desire to eat more.

ZZZZzzzz, goodnight.

This was a good weekend. We went out for Thai on Friday night, on Saturday we got up early and worked up a sweat cleaning the house and then had some friends over for a computer-related gathering and cook-out. Now it's Sunday and so far we are just lazin' around but I suspect we'll be heading out soon just to get out of the house.

I didn't track my food this weekend but I still feel pretty good because I did not overeat and I did not binge and I did not snack more (I think) than reasonable amount.

I still have not seen any sign of life at the nearby "Curves", so I'm hoping they'll open soon.

I did not get my walking in this week except for a few late-evening walks. Late counts, right? I hope so. I was going to call my neighbor to plan some walks, but my dog got sick and 3 out of 5 days I was back and forth to the vet which is across town.

I just generally feel good, like I didn't pig this weekend.

I hate the heat and when it's hot I REALLY don't want to go out in it. For YEARS I used mind over matter, or tried to, and went out in the heat, brought a Camelbak full of water/gatorade/ice, and walked, biked, whatever.

But mind over matter doesn't always work. I'd come home exhausted and then I'd have a headache and sometimes nausia for the rest of the day. I've been dealing with this every summer for the past 20 years (since I moved to the south).

Now that summer is coming, I could cry. We've had some beautiful days and some downright cold nights. I'll miss them. When it's cool out, all I want to do is run! I seem to have boundless energy when it's cool out.

Now that summer is coming, hubby and I are thinking of rejoining the gym. We quit out of laziness, but now that it'll be hot, I'll want a COOL place to workout.

It looks like they are going to open a Curves right down the street! I used to go, but I quit because I had moved and it was too far, and also I felt that my heart rate was getting TOO high when I worked out there. But I'll probably rejoin if this one does open. It's IN the community that I live in. I live in this planned community, and within this community are offices, banks, a deli, schools, gyms, a gas station, golf course, country club, pool, many many sub-divisions, etc., and it's all part of this one specific planned community. So if they put this Curves in, it'll be biking distance.

Yes, maybe my heart rate did get "too high to burn calories efficiently", but who knows if that's even true. All I know is that I need to burn calories, period, and I can ride my bike to and from Curves where it'll be located. So I'll be anxious to see if it opens or not.

It used to be "Ladies Workout Express" and I NEVER saw anybody go in or out of the place or park out front. Now it says "Curves Fitness Center" which is odd because Curves is actually called "Curves For Women" and when I emailed Curves they said they were not aware of a Curves opening up in that location. That's why I'm not sure whether it's really opening or not. But we'll see.

I was trying so hard to figure out why I was so nausious on Sunday. I was SO sick. I thought I'd messed up some perscriptions, or had bad Thai food. But the next day hubby had a headache and nausia, and now today my mom has terrible nausia. I bet it's a 24 hour bug afterall.

Monday I took things real easy because I wasn't sure I was better. I was afraid to go anywhere as my nausia was worse when moving in a car. But I did eventually drive to the grocery store and felt fine. I was SO happy not to be nausious. Nausia is the WORST feeling!

Today I wanted to get my walking in, but I didn't. Well, I DID get a walk in later this evening, rather late. Late is better than never, right? I hope so. It was a short walk cuz my foot hurt a little bit, but I sprinkled the walk w/ bouts of jogging to turn up the calorie burn. It's not easy at my weight to do it, but I just felt like it. When the weather is cool, I love to (try to) jog and I love to walk and ride bikes. It's just so hot here most of the time and now that summer is coming I dread it. I have SO MUCH more energy when it's cool out.

I did ok this weekend. I felt really nausious today and so was pretty much unable to overeat or eat heavy foods. I hate nausia, it's the worst.

I didn't get in the exercise I wanted. My goal is to get a lot of walking in this week though. I just hope I am not sick tomorrow too.

Today I made a ham and cheese sandwhich for breakfast (with 2% cheese) and ate probably 3.4 of it, maybe just half.

Then I went to physical therapy and afterwards did some shopping. Then, after feeling good and hungry, had a road beef sandwich and never opened the bag of chips that came with it. I did have some brocolli cheese soup, but I only ordered a cup, and only ate half of it.

When hubby came home, he wanted to go to this pizza and wings place that is really hard to eat "light" at. I ordered a dinner salad and they didn't have light dressing, so I ordered Italian dressing on the side. I ate less than half of the dressing and filled up on greens. Then when the pizza came, I had one and a half slices. Coulda been worse. Used to be we'd get wings and jalapeno poppers and THEN pizza.

Since then all I've had is coffee with about 70 calories of creamer and sugar.

I'm not counting calories or weighing my food. I'm just trying to be sensible.

I can't believe it. I was looking at the archives (the drop-down box on the right) and realized that this blog is TWO YEARS OLD April 1st!

How neat to have a two year old blog, how sad that in all that time I have not gotten to my ideal weight.

But I'm still here, and I'm still blogging, and as of right now, I'm still trying. I'm walking, I'm trying to eat right, and suceeding most days.

Happy birthday blog.

The other day I got up realy early. I had a slim fast and some 2% cheese for extra protein to keep my blood sugar level (slim fast peaks and plummets my blood sugar otherwise), and then headed out w/ the dog for a walk. While out on the walk it began to rain so I had to cut it short. When I got home, it broke into a downpour, so I never got to finish my walk. At least I got 30 minutes in.

I got my exercise in today, 50 minutes of a good walk w/ some spurts of jogging. It was late, but it still burned calories.

I did go to WW today. I weighed in, I didn't skip, I didn't use the "no weigh in pass". I'm up half a pound, but considering how off-track I've been, I'm just glad it wasn't 5 or 9. This is, I think, week 10 for me. I will keep going.

It's Wednesday night.

Tomorrow I will not eat more than I need. Tomorrow I will limit the fattening foods. Tomorrow I will either go for an hour walk or an hour bike ride, even if it's hot out. Tomorrow I will drink more water. Tomorrow I will love myself.

I saw some tv show where this guy who works at a store says something like "... but no fatties. We don't like to see any fat female customers come in here. Nah. Only the hot ones." That got me so mad. My initial reaction was to think "well then fuck you. I'll stay fat because the LAST thing I want to do is lose weight to please assholes like you".

I sometimes wonder if I secretly want to stay fat to spite the world. People hate fat people, but I, as a fat person, am the SAME person I was when I was thin and turning heads. Why lose weight to please a shallow society?

I know, to ward off health problems, to move easier, to ease foot and knee pain. I know. I know.

But I seem to be ruled by my heart, not my head.

I want to be thinner. I want to be thinner. I want to be thinner. I want to be thinner.

One thing I was babbling about before I lost my post, was how, when I was a teen, I HAD an alright body. I was not overweight, and I'd KILL to have that body now. It wasn't the hottest bod in school, I never turned heads, but I'd kill for it now. Yet, at that time, I'd try on clothes at the mall, cry at myself in the mirror for not looking like the magazine photos, the cheerleaders, the popular girls... I'd put the outfit back on the rack, walk to the food court, and drown my sorrows in nachos and ice cream. If only I knew how good I had it then. :(

Now I'm 35 and about 247 pounds.

I was halfway thru a nice post when I told IE to temporarily allow popups so that I could spellcheck the post, and it reloaded the form page EMPTY and I lost the post, ack!

Whenever I review this blog, I hate myself even more. I have NOT quit WW since my last post on 1-18-05, but I HAVE quit... trying. I still go to meetings and pay the money, but I'm slacking off.

I was losing about a pound a week, once in a while I'd gain, once in a while I'd maintin. Over the course of two months I lost barely anything. Then I got lazy. When my neighbor couldn't make a meeting, I'd SKIP and then pay the make-up fee the following week.

I've now skipped 3 meetings, maybe 4, but not in a row. Last time I used a no-weigh-in pass. Anything to keep from facing the scale which I KNOW at this point is going up.

WHY I can't stick to this I have no idea. I'd be happy to lose a pound a week. When I lost a pound a week I was HAPPY with what I was eating AND with the scale. But I can't even keep that up.

Friday (it's Wednesday night now) I go again, pay for a missed meeting, and weigh in. I know there will be a gain. I know that they will look at me funny and ask if I need "help". No, I don't need help, I need... a labotomy. *shakes head*

I hate myself for this.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take this blog down... or delete all the old posts and start over. All I do is start and quit, start and quit. Sometimes I try on my own, I lose a bit, I get tired of eating diet food, and I quit. Other times I pay $$$ to join WW and then quit after week 3 when I hit the plateau I always seem to hit around 3 weeks (and get tired of diet food).

I rejoined WW in December, knowing that doing so during the holidays was stupid, but I was JUST SO SICK of being fat I decided I'd do it no matter what.

It lasted 2, maybe 3 weeks.

Now I've rejoined AGAIN, this time w/ a friend, both of us hoping that if we do it together, we'll be more accoutable about getting out of bed and going to meetings, and eating right for when we go weigh in together.

I hear hubby pulling in the driveway, I must go...

But... here I go again, I want to do it, I intend to do it.

Oh, I lost 1 pound this first week, and I had a hard time (hungry alot = overate) and retaining water. I hope to lose more next week.

As you know from my previous post, the first week at WW I lost 2-3.5 pounds the first week back on WW.

Then I missed the next week. Stuff kept coming up and then I could have gone on Saturday, but my nomral weigh in day is Tuesday, so I didn't want to weigh in again in just 3 days.

Then I went this past monday and I gained a pound according to WW (I gained half a pound according to the home scale).

Alot of ppl say it's stupid to join during the holidays, but I just wanted to minimize the holiday damage.

I'm having a hard time, I crave sweets so bad it's like being a crack addict. The cravings are very strong and it's very hard to control.

But I vow to show a loss next time at WW. If not, I will be very discouraged, and mad at myself. The second time I joined WW it only lasted 3 weeks or so. Every time I try to do WW at home on my own it only lasts 3 weeks. I lose, then gain, then gain again and give up. But I really HATE being this fat.

Ok, so today I went back to WW for my 2nd weigh-in. I've been doing WW for a week. I wasn't perfect, but I'm trying to find that balance.

If I eat only the points they allow, I'm starving. I had consulted w/ a nutritionist for several months and many times we discussed WW and she agreed that they don't allow enough calories for somebody my weight. So what I do is I track WW points, but I also track calories. I may go over in points, but I try to keep the calories in a weight-loss range.

HOW I do it is I have a spreadsheet on my palm pilot, and so I enter in the cals/fat/fiber of everything I eat, and it calculates the points for me, but it also totals up the calories for the day as well. This way, at any moment, I know where I am points-wise AND calorie-wise. I also have all kinds of points lists, points databases, and databses of nutritional info on my palm. WW doesn't offer software for Palm OS, but many people have made software of their own and share it. I can help you find some if you are looking for WW software for the Palm. But what I use most is Calorie King. www.CalorieKing.com has a free online database of nutritional info. You can search by food, brand, restaurant, etc. But you can also buy the whole database for your Palm Pilot, and it's not expensive. It's a real life-saver.

Anyhoo, boy, do I ramble and get sidetracked.

I LOST 3.8 POUNDS according to WW this first week. According to the home scale I lost 2.0 pounds. This discrepancy is because last week I weight in at home on an empty stomach, then went to subway for a 6" sub (no chips) and then to WW. So WW would show more of a loss since today I weighed in at WW BEFORE luch this time. But I really don't think a 6" sub weighs 1.8 pounds, so there's some other factors going on.

There's always some new "crack" as hubby and I call it. Some snack that I can't get enough of that is "as addicting as crack". It's the snack I go to great lengths to find and buy huge quantities of. It's the snack I eat until I'm SICK. And it's always changing. Whether it's chocolate chip cookies, white chocolate kit kat, holiday peppermint Swoops, or microwave caramel corn. It's always something. I don't believe in eliminating it, I TRY to find the balance. Balance is key. Any diet where stuff is completely forbidden is doomed to fail, at least with me.

Exercise: We still pay for a gym and we never go. We took down the weight bench cuz we never use it and put a computer desk up in it's corner, now our house looks much nicer. I still have the elliptical trainer but I always feel drained after using it although I enjoy using it and it's fun to use but I judt don't use it cuz it saps my energy. But I am walking. I have a new puppy, and he needs to go out alot, but can't walk too far at once. So he and I go for many 1-2 block long walks every day. Thank god it's not summer right now. The heat makes me nausious. But right now it's nice and so puppy and I are walking ALOT. I like frequent short walks. I like doing it that way.

Would it have been better if I'd broken this post up into many smaller posts?